Things Change
by Kaguyahime2000
Summary: Ender is reaching an awkward age and is struggling with new and strange feelings involving his hero and mentor. Ender/Rackham. (Later chapter will be M rated)
1. Chapter 1

_My first ever attempt and fanfiction, responding to a challenge from a friend! This is slash so if you don't like it do not read or flame! The only thing I have altered in Ender's age, made him slightly older so it is not TOO inappropriate. He is still a minor though so that is a warning and it will continue a rather graphic chapter. Characters are not mine (sadly) and I have no association with Ender's Game etc or its author nor am I making any profit from this. However the plot/story belongs to me and my odd mind._

Two Am.

The Starfleet Battle School was quiet, the students had long since been ordered to their dormitories and even the teachers had retired.  
One student though was asleep but restless.

Ender Wiggin, fourteen, commander of the Dragon Army. Dark brown hair, brown eyes, normal physical development. _Advanced_ mental development, although normal for him since that was what he had been born for.

He had been at the school for some time and had risen quickly through the ranks having been groomed for it early on and as successful as that had been his own feelings had been much neglected.

But both childhood and personal emotions were of no interest here and anything except the necessary were considered a waste of time and students were left to struggle through their growth themselves.

Ender woke with a start, his freckled skin wet with a sheen of sweat and his hair uncomfortably damp.

He sat up and swung his legs out of bed, his head felt muggy and his eyes like lead, this was the seventh night in a row. Sleeping was becoming harder than battles...and sweatier. He knew it was having an adverse effect on his leadership and was beginning to show in his moods.

'Maybe Valentine could help...at least she'd listen...if she still gets my mails, I don't get any from her anymore...' Ender thought, even the mental image of her sweet face brought a small smile tugging at his lips.

It didn't last long, his mind drifted back to the dreams he had been having, the ones that made him afraid to sleep but ones he also looked forward to. Even dreaming Ender could feel the warmth of his lips on his and the grip of his hand.

On thinking it over this was possibly one thing Valentine may _not_ understand, or if she did she wouldn't understand _who._

He had not had these feelings from the start, in fact for most of the time Ender thought Mazer Rackham was a bastard. He had the infuriating talent of pointing out his weaknesses, even those not shown and never acknowledging his successes. Yet he was incredible teacher and always got the best out of him, that Ender could not deny.

He fascinated him, even his age did not bother him, he didn't look it yet it meant he would not glance in his direction, not in the way he wanted anyway.

He had been an inspiration since day one and Ender had searched the archives to find all that he could which had not been much. All that was held was the scene of his triumph over the bugger warships, anything before and after was none existent. Anything that was known about the half Maori soldiers' life what locked away in his memory.

'Things change daily' Ender lay back down 'and you just have to get on with it' but he had no idea how to ignore and get on when he trained with him almost every day.

He rolled over and pulled the covers over his head, he had less than four hours until he had to get up and he was _not_ going to useless in the battle room again.

Thankfully Ender fell into a dreamless sleep fairly quickly and he felt slightly more alive than he had the past few days and although the Battle against Griffin Army didn't _quite_ as smoothly as he hoped they still won.

'Barely' Ender grumbled to himself as he yanked off his battle suit 'if I could've been more alert Bean and I wouldn't have had our legs frozen and we could've easily won quicker.' He gave the bench a small, hard kick.

"Geez! Will you just cool it?" Bean shook his head "you're such a grouch at the moment; if you were Petra I'd ask if it was your time of the month."

"I'm allowed to aren't I?"

"Yeah, but we all get the brunt of it! Commander or not you've got to start keeping your cool, you always used to."

"I wish we really _were_ in a war" Ender carried on, more to himself "I wouldn't mind blowing up a few buggers when I feel like this"

Bean sighed and finished dressing in silence, he knew better than to ask what the matter was, Ender never shared his feeling with anyone and when he did it was on his own terms.

"Maybe save those feelings for practice, you take them out on Rackham next time he trains you" Ender tensed at the mention of his teacher, a strange cold tingling sensation trailing up his spine yet his skin felt as if it had flushed. He turned away hastily, not wanting anyone to see the change in colour.

One by one the students left the heat of the shower room and left Ender alone with the damp steam twisting around his ankles. He took a few deep breaths, holding the warm air in his lungs for a few seconds before letting it escape.

"Wiggin!" Ender leapt automatically to his feet, scrambling to keep the towel round his thin waist. The bulky figure of Colonel Dap filled the doorway. From the start Ender has found the man's features very misleading. His face was that of a jolly fat man but he had a personality as dark as his skin.

"Colonel Graff wants to see you as of now"

"I haven't got any clothes on" Ender said automatically and felt ridiculous when he did

"Then get some on unless you want to go in a towel" Dap snapped and went, shaking his head.

Ender dressed hurriedly, his navy uniform creased from being crumpled on the floor all night, for once he hadn't bothered hanging it up and now he wished he had. He doubted Graff would say anything but he could imagine the look he would get. Graff had not as much power as he used too, after Ender's unscheduled battle in the shower he was more there just keep an eye on him.

'Suppose I may as well make it worth a look' Ender thought to himself and rushed out the room without tidying anything and the one shoe lace trailing behind.

The greying officer raised an eyebrow as the disorganised boy arrived at his office but the pouting look on his face prevented any comment. Instead Graff proceeded with what he needed to say

"Your army is coming on in leaps and bounds, you've won your last nine battles in a row" he fixed his solemn eyes on the boy's own "but as you know in a real battle the odds are not as fair as they are here and that's what I want to work on and get you used to."

Ender nodded, proud of the Jeesh in his own unspoken way, and waited expectantly but his mind had already anticipated what was coming next

"So beginning tomorrow I am putting Dragon against _two_ other armies, it will increase the challenge and give you better experience."

"We have been up against two before, Sir"

"And won, I am aware of that but not _quite _like I have in mind. Normally I wouldn't give you any warning but you need to start thinking of new and more complex moves to keep yourself in the position you're in."

"Who are we up against, Sir?"

"Rabbit and Centipede, I want to mix teams as well so the combinations I decide on may be odd but that is for a reason. I'm giving you the rest of the day to work on a battle plan, Major Rackham will meet with you at one sharp. Dismissed."

"Yes, Sir" Ender gave a stiff salute and headed down the grey corridors to his room, maybe a few minutes alone would ease his nerves and help him not turn into an embarrassed mess later...

Graff watched him go, the boy had grown up fast since he had first started but lately he had noticed he seemed tired and more sullen, his thoughts seemed to be elsewhere and not on what mattered. Child or not he had to continue to mature and ignore whatever growing pains he may have, Graff himself had had to but he had long since forgotten how hard that had been.

'Still' he started flicking through his papers 'maybe the extra work will sort him out...' His thoughts then fell silent and the only sound was the rustling of pages.

"I don't see what could be any different" Bean said when Ender told him "but knowing them they'll have some dirty trick"

"Doesn't matter, we'll play and we'll win" Ender replied flatly "I'll speak to you all later, we picked off those armies easily so together they can't be much harder."

"I hate saying it but don't get _too_ confident" Bean laid a friendly hand on his shoulder "I know you're struggling but..."

"I am _not _struggling!" Ender pulled away angrily "I'm just not sleeping at the moment...and I don't want that passed around!" Bean backed off and returned to his seat but Ender felt him cast worried glances over his way. He quickly typed a message for his army to meet him later before the lesson started.

'You're our commander' Bean finished silently in his mind 'and you need to hold it together whatever those idiots throw as us, the teachers are our biggest enemy and breaking down you play into their hands...'

After class Ender was the first to leave, his focused stride casting a warning to anyone who was thinking of approaching him.


	2. Chapter 2

12.25

"So I want you all ready by six thirty, eat at supper if you must but not too much, the last thing I want is people throwing up."

Ender's announcement of the extra training was met with a resounding groan, they had been looking forward for a small amount of free time and now they were getting a large amount of hard work.

"They may not be as strong as we are but they are going to have more manpower so if we are going to have any chance of beating them we need to be of our game and totally prepared. Any suggestions will be welcomed, anyone got questions?"

No one answered, Bean shrugged and Petra have him a small, sympathetic smile when she noticed the scowls.

'Well' Ender thought to himself as he walked away 'whether they like me or not doesn't matter, we get the job done and that's all that counts.'

He echoed down the corridor heading nowhere in particular, he had had his head buried in written word all morning and was beginning to feel like an ostrich but without the option to pull up. Alai had once mentioned trying to meditate but Ender had never really gotten the hang of it and to make matters worse had caused much amusement when his legs went to sleep and he got stuck. After regaining some dignity he had snapped that there was no point without the music anyway.

Ender paused as he came to where the corridor parted then chose the direction of Mazer Rackham's office. He was early and he doubted his tutor would appreciate it but he was used to the criticism by now and early was better than late.

The door was faintly ajar and Ender approached cautiously, his feet now making no sound on the metal, and hesitated outside.

Rackham was sat on the floor, legs crossed and eyes closed. His breathing was calm and the top few buttons on his shirt were left open for ease.

Ender felt the familiar tremor he had experienced in his dreams and wished he knew what Rackham was thinking.

"You're early, Wiggin" Rackham opened an eye and glanced over

"I thought it better to be early than late, Sir"

"You know I don't like to be disturbed"

"Sorry, Sir"

Rackham sighed and got to his feet, buttoning his shirt, his eyes bright behind the dark tattoos.

"I...I guess I am slightly uptight about tomorrow" Ender cursed himself inwardly for sounding so stupid.

"You know full well that it is nerves that will get you killed, and stop stuttering, boy" his voice was calm but Ender picked up annoyance in the accent.

"I'm not nervous! I'm bothered because although we are winning my army is not performing as well as they might despite me putting them through their paces. They're falling apart."

"Them or you?"

Ender bristled at the question but could give no retort, Rackham continued

"Because from what I have seen and heard you aren't exactly in top form yourself" despite Ender's savage glare his eyes never left him.

"But don't think I will be any easier on you, in fact I could use it as an excuse to be a lot harder" he looked at Ender's uniform "but before anything I am giving you five minutes to get yourself tidy, as a commander you are supposed to lead by example and you look a mess."

"Yes Sir..."

"I will meet you in the study when you look more respectable."

Six minutes later Ender emerged to find him waiting impatiently

"You're late" Ender didn't respond, early or late he could never please him "but at least you're tidy."

Ender wandered to the desk and sat down while Rackham scanned the rows of old film and footage, despite being many the films actually contained very little in the way of strategical information. In fact most of his ideas Ender developed from the enemy formations.

"Why is there no more of you, Sir?" It was a question Ender had wanted to ask for some time "students could learn so much from you and the only film we have is of that last battle."

"Why would there be any?" Rackham had found what he was looking for and came over, brushing Ender's leg as he did so and he knew he would feel that touch for hours.

"This was a battle fought very early on, the buggers outnumbered us by almost double but victory was still ours although we lost a fair few men..."

As he continued Ender felt himself drifting off into a daydream and his normally attentive eyes fixed themselves on the outside.

Space lay all around, a vast expanse of void dotted with stars like glittered like diamonds on an ebony canvas.

He suddenly felt very alone and wished he could move closer to his teacher, just to feel another presence beside him and share what warmth there was.

"Wiggin!" His head shot up at the sudden sound

"Sorry, Sir"

"If you're not going to listen then I am wasting valuable time."

"Why don't you tell me anything more about you and how you worked? Or even anything about yourself?"

"Because you don't need to know that" Rackham said irritably.

'I don't even know what else you do here' Ender continued in his head, more daring in his thoughts than he ever was out loud 'and I'll find out whether you want me to or not. I could use it as a useful skill for the future.'

For a second his mind drifted back to his dreams and Rackham saw a strange, glazed look come over to boys face. It caught him off guard and for once he hadn't a clue what to say to bring Ender's attention back.

It was an uncomfortable cramp down below that brought him back to the present time and Ender closed his legs tightly under the table

"Do you know how frustrating that was?" Rackham grumbled as they finished "I do hope this isn't a new phase you're going through."

"No, Sir...just distracted today but it won't last, I won't let it"

"Good" Rackham said no more and left for his quarters, Ender wished he could run through things with the others while they were still fresh in his mind and at least then someone else could remember them for him but no one was free yet.

He found himself hesitating where the passage split

'Not now' he chided himself and kept to his planned route 'too active now anyway, it would be easier to explore later in the evening.'

Later on when classes had finished Ender wandered down to Dragon's room, Bean and Dink were the only ones in the dormitory deep in discussion about the homes they had left behind and one of Bean's attractive neighbours.

"How'd it go?" Bean asked as he walked in

"Not too bad" Ender lied convincingly "he only went through footage that could be of use"

"Was it?"

"That remains to be seen but I got a few ideas I want to run through"

"Great, more work"

"Don't blame me; blame Graff if anyone" Ender snapped "I didn't ask for this to be added!"

"I'm not blaming you but I really think you need to let us know what's bugging you, you aren't much of a commander like this."

"Where are the others?" Ender said changing the subject "I'd like to let you all know what I thought."

"Petra's off with one of the older boys" Dink informed him with a small grin "and the others are in the longue."

"So you may want to wait a while" Bean added "or just tell us for now."

"Let's just say defence and dodging is more important than attack this time, I want to work on avoiding being hit as long as possible because it is certain we are one against two or more tomorrow. And that is the reason I am going to designate a couple of you as bait, it's a fact that we are going to have to lose to win"

He was acknowledged with two nods of agreement and was surprised how well the others took it also. His team seemed completely in control and their movement fast and fluid, not good enough maybe for two of the stronger armies but acceptable for whom they were against. For once he found himself offering a few compliments, they were strained and it seemed to ease the tension somewhat.

His main idea had been to use the stars as defence and attack from behind; Bean had added the idea of pulling it or something near in front of them if fired at. That had turned out a bit chaotic but it was a last resort and would as ever depend on what their opponents had in mind.

"No one threw up either so that's a bonus" he joked to Bean as he was about to exit

"Always is" Bean smiled "you sure you don't want to talk?" Ender shook his head, Bean didn't push and left.

Ender dressed slowly, the air feeling like ice on his warm skin but he wanted to be alone, it was late and he should have been heading back to his room but that wasn't his idea.

Not just yet anyway.

He actually didn't have a clue what he was doing as he turned down into the corridor leading to the teachers' quarters but his curiosity drew him on.

Every door looked the same, like their own rooms if you didn't know which you were in it was impossible to tell. The only one that was obvious was Colonel Dap's since Ender could hear him grumbling to himself from outside.

"Something you needed, Wiggin?" Ender span round to find Colonel Graff turning the corner behind him.

"No, Sir..." The older man looked at him sceptically "well actually I was looking for Major Rackham" well it was a half truth.

"Did he ask for you?"

"No..." Graff folded his arms

"Well if he didn't then you'd best leave him be, and you know full well you aren't allowed in this area. Commander of your army or not."

"Sorry, sir..." Ender dodged round him "I'd best get back"

"I can let him know you wanted to see him but don't let me catch you down here again, Wiggin"

"No Sir" Ender said with a tired sigh.


	3. Chapter 3

"What do you thinks up with him?" Bean hissed across to Dink as they prepared themselves for the morning's game.

Dink shrugged but said nothing.

Ender had a glazed look in his eye and his mind was focussed entirely on winning, the noise around him was a low, constant hum and anything anyone said to him was not received. His temples ached and a cold sweat dampened his hair beneath the helmet.

It was as if he had a force field around him, no one could get to him if they wanted to but when he was like this no one did anyway.

Ender soon found out what Graff had meant when he said he had not faced two armies like this. Centipede was the first the fall but before Dragon could have a chance to feel more relieved Rabbit army joined in their place.

"Get into formation!" Ender yelled as he dragged the remainder of his team behind the nearest stars "the only way to do this is to get one person through and let the rest of us be frozen!"

The others surrounded him allowing the lasers to strike, Ender held his breath as he felt the muscles of the other tense as they froze up and did not breathe properly until he pushed himself through the gate.

Whilst the others congratulated each other Ender dress quickly and exited annoyed with himself. He should have read more into what Colonel Graff had said. He could quite have easily cost them their win.

And that win meant nothing as it was luck more than effort.

'Let the others be pleased' he thought 'I'm not there to cast a shadow on it...'

He headed toward the classroom, he was fifteen minutes early but it would give him time on his own. He paused as he heard footsteps and looked round, half expecting it to be Dink or Bean looking for him.

Instead Mazer Rackham appeared; he noticed Ender but made no sign of acknowledgement.

"That battle was completely unfair, Sir" Rackham stopped and looked at Ender evenly

"Since when was war ever fair? I certainly never remember any battle having any equality in it and the tactics I came up against were a lot more unfair than what you have just faced."

Ender could say nothing to that and wondered why he had said anything...except to be in the presence of his hero and feel the need he did in his dreams. Or nightmares as they were becoming as it felt as if they haunted him.

Beautiful nightmares.

As Rackham started to leave Ender spoke again

"Can't you tell me anything more, Sir? About your battles, I could learn a lot from you"

"If you listened you would learn a lot anyway, and no, you don't need to know anything more that you don't already."

'I knew you'd say that' Ender thought but said no more.

Rackham walked away and Ender followed a few paces behind until he reached the classroom door. He paused outside until Rackham was out of sight wondering how he would react if he dared to tell him the extent of his feelings.  
Probably not too well but he was yet to see any particular emotion from him.

'Soon' Ender promised himself 'but now is not the time'

When the right time was he had no idea but knew he would somehow know when it was, he pushed open the classroom door and wandered in, heading for his normal chair.

"Petra?!"

The girl sprang to her feet, her face flushed with embarrassment, the boy she was with even more so.

Her brown hair was out of place and her uniform partially undone, the boy quickly yanked his pants up and dashed out the room.

"Please don't tell!" Ender couldn't speak, he knew he should report her unseemly behaviour but despite being unforgiving in battle he hadn't the heart to ruin her.

"Ender please..."

Ender finally found his voice which came out in a mousy squeak

"Where'd you see that?" Petra gave a relieved smile, she could read Ender well and was well aware he would have turned on his heel and done his duty straight away if he was going to. Ender Wiggin didn't waste time.

"Some ancient movie I caught my father watching" she glanced at the huge screen that dominated the front of the room "not something you'd find here."

She started up the steps adding as she went "I wouldn't go any further...I was just curious" she chose a seat in the far corner indicating she didn't want to talk about it.

"You're lucky it was me" Ender called over "I don't think Colonel Dap would be as forgiving!" Petra gave a small laugh but there was no amusement in it.

"He would have had me thrown out of here with no oxygen" she replied flatly, relieved when she saw the door open and others trudge in. The boy Petra had been with came in last and took a seat as far away as he could from both Petra and Ender, his eyes cast down.

'She could do better' Ender found himself thinking critically as he flicked a glance over 'he isn't the best in battle or in looks, in fact I'm not even sure why he's here...'

The rest of the morning passed without incident, the usual mix of carefully cut films and vague teachings.

Then after lunch Ender found Rackham waiting for him outside his room

"About time, Wiggin" he said as Ender saluted "Waiting is not one of my favourite pastimes as you well know."

'I wouldn't have _kept_ you waiting if I'd known' Ender thought crossly but said nothing as he followed Rackham down the corridor and into a room reserved for shooting practice. It was a plain area with nothing adorning it except a control panel. When used lifelike targets would appear and unless you hit them first the game was over. Unlike the battle room there was nothing to hide behind and was meant to test ability in certain situations.

"Since your battles are becoming harder it has been decided to train you with different weapons, in some circumstances what you use would be primitive and ineffective."

Rackham bent down opened the hidden door beneath the panel and pulled out what looked to Ender to be a laser exactly the same as he already used. Rackham noticed his sceptical expression

"Don't ask, Wiggin" he said roughly handing it to him "this is a double barrelled laser, it will shoot two targets at once. It stretches to a ninety degree angle, obviously no more or you would shoot yourself...although I daresay you could manage that." He tapped the keys and the holographs of two buggers appeared

"At the moment I'm using stationary targets but that is for today only" he stepped back and gestured for him to shoot.

Ender raised the gun but Rackham's eyes felt heavy on him and his thoughts drifted as he pulled the trigger.

Both lasers missed by a mile.

Rackham said nothing but Ender would tell he was taken aback, so was he; normally he could grasp what was forced on him straight away.

The targets still stood and he raised the gun again...and missed. Rackham came over and stood behind him, still saying nothing he supported Ender's arms from behind, setting them in the correct position.

Ender felt his skin flush at the closeness but the feeling of his mentor beside him, steadying him was calming, his next shot was perfect.

When Rackham stood back Ender still felt his touch and support and his aim was spot on.

"Not exactly up to scratch" Rackham said as they finished "your mind needs to be focussed on the matter at hand."

"Yes, Sir" Ender kept his eyes on the floor, not wanting his eyes to give anything away "I'll prove I can kill every single target tomorrow and hold my ground."

"Perhaps not tomorrow but very soon after" came the offhand response, he picked up another gun "try this one."

It was a single laser but as Ender hit his target the light shattered like glass taking out three others, Rackham said nothing which was normally a sign he had done well. Ender tried a few more shots, positioning himself differently, two out of the four worked.

"When you get used to these you can train your team to use them but I want you to study them until every shot is perfect, then you can attempt the games I set you."

Rackham hung them back in place

"Do I still need to go to class?" Ender didn't attend very many but even the few he did he found dull

"Yes, the ones you _do_ sit are important although you most likely don't appreciate it, now go."

Ender practically ran out, not noticing the strange expression on his teacher's face.


	4. Chapter 4

_"The boy's distracted"_

_"So you've said, have you asked him why?"_

_"I'm not his keeper, Colonel, whatever is on his mind is his own problem, not mine."_

_"You're the one who sees him the most; you need to make it your business. You're already hard enough on him, unless you figure out what's the matter he may cave in completely. And don't tell me you don't care, Rackham, as to the trained eye it is clear that you do"_

Rackham strode out from speaking with Colonel Graff wondering why he had even bothered although he had half expected the reply.

He searched his mind trying to recall back to when he was Ender Wiggin's age, it seemed so very long ago.

After his success in destroying the bugger mother ship he had banished a lot of his memories, or maybe the trauma had caused him to forget, he could never be too sure now.

Grudgingly Rackham had to accept that he had never been as advanced as Ender was but he doubted that made a difference.

He opened the door to his office and pulled out his file on him. The boy intrigued him, he had grown a lot since he had been there and was far more mature than anyone could have hoped.

"Perhaps too fast..." Rackham muttered, despite denying it, had noticed subtle changes as the boy aged and it was now becoming hard to ignore. Often of late he had caught Ender gazing at him, his mind elsewhere and sometimes he felt as if he could read his thoughts, however much he tried to guard them.

He shook his head and carried on reading, much had been noted on the boy's mental development and psychical but nothing out of the ordinary.

Emotional development however was omitted; no one really took much notice of that but it had been raised that emotional wellbeing was as crucial. Especially since Ender had a lot more to face, a lot more hurt to come.

Rackham closed the file and pushed it aside, nothing that was there was any help. He supposed he had no choice except talk to him, Ender was incredibly difficult to read and he couldn't fathom anything from his face and his body language also told him little.

But it was clear he was unhappy and that made him a danger to both himself and others if he didn't pull it together.

"Petra? Can I talk to you?"

The girl looked up from her bed where she was sat reading, she frowned slightly

"Look if it's about earlier..."

Ender shook his head

"It isn't...but it kind of triggered it if that makes sense?" She nodded and he continued "something's been bothering me, if I could talk to Valentine I would but I don't even know if my letters get through. I need to talk to someone though and I was hoping you'd listen, if not I've got no one and even though I'm used to that it doesn't make it any easier."

Petra's eyes filled with concern and she moved for Ender to sit next to her

"You can always talk to me, I'd never tell anyone anything and even if I can't suggest anything I can listen."

Ender perched on the bed beside her, Petra was second best to Valentine, she had a calmness about her that was comforting and he felt he could trust her with his life.

"It's awkward..." he began and nervously told her everything, well not quite everything, he omitted out Rackham's name as that was slightly _too _much information.

"Well" Petra said as he finished "I think whoever it is the best thing is to tell him...he isn't in your army?"

"No" Ender traced a pattern on the floor, not meeting her eyes

"Then what's the worst that could happen?"

'They could throw me out' Ender answered in his head but didn't say it, instead he nodded.

"You won't do anything stupid will you?" Ender looked up sharply "because I have known you do a fair few things that are and something like this you can't afford to. Like the time you pissed off Bonzo and nearly got yourself killed."

"I won't!" Ender snapped, irritated by her reference to his former army commander "besides that was totally different."

"It was the easiest to remember, I doubt this would get you killed but it could be tricky" Petra smiled "either way you know where to find me."

He thanked her quietly and got up. He decided to head to the video library, he had already watched most if not all of the footage that was filed there but it was a place he knew would most likely be empty.

And it had a window and sometimes it was nice to sit alone and be lost in space and memories, just drifting.

It was empty and Ender closed the door in the hope others would recognise he wanted to be alone. Instead of sitting he stood and looked aimlessly at the various videos stored there and thought about what Petra had said. He could imagine Valentine saying the same but he wondered if that would have been the advice if they knew who he meant.

'Probably would have said to leave well alone' Ender mused 'and maybe that would be best anyway...however much it effects me.'

He picked out a few of his favourite pieces of footage and loaded them onto the screen, even those long past images of his hero brought the familiar warmth and tingle to his lower regions.  
And watching him he could hardly believe that the celebrated soldier was the one who now trained him and had had been so close as he held the laser. Ender wanted that closeness again.

He stayed there until supper when Bean found him.

"You been here all this time? I looked everywhere!"

"Yeah, think I'm just going to go back to my room, not really that hungry..."

Bean gave a sigh and sat down opposite him

"Ender, this isn't like you..."

"I'm fine, just go."

Bean heard the set voice and knew he was going wasn't going to get anywhere when he has in this sort of mood. However as if to humour him Ender went with him to where the corridors spilt and even managed to give him a half smile before they parted.

Rackham closed the office door, however busy he had been he had actually accomplished very little. For once in his life he had been avoiding doing what he knew he should, he had never had any feeling besides indifference to students and had no idea how to talk them. The simple fact that he did care concerned him. Especially since he had no idea what type of feelings these were. It annoyed him more knowing the trials Ender was to be put through, what they really needed him for, emotion made it all the more difficult. Deep within him he hated the way the children were treated, it came very close to abuse but it was a damn sight better that when he had been that age.

'It's also better than being slave to an ant empire' he thought ruefully, allowing logic omit any other ideas 'their sacrifice won't be for nothing' at least that's what they all hoped.

As he locked the door there was a faint noise from behind him, he turned quickly only to see a shadow vanished back around the corner.

"Shit!" Ender threw himself on his bed, he had _never_ backed out of anything. He had fought advanced armies and won against all odds and yet facing one person made him chicken out.  
He gave his pillow a few furious punches before falling on it in tired frustration. He pulled the crumpled card he had found pushed under his door and looked at it.

_7.15 am. Salamander and Griffin._

'No doubt there'll be another unpleasant surprise' Ender thought and tossed it to one side, he logged into the computer and sent a note round to his own army informing them and instructing to keep to the same pattern as that morning, adding as an afterthought to tell him of any other formations or strategies they may think up.  
Then, despite it being so early, he fell into another restless sleep.

_2.15 am_

Ender woke with a start, his nightwear clung to him, uncomfortably cold and damp like early morning mist. It brought back memories of autumn walks he had had back on earth with Valentine before breakfast and how they had both ended up with the flu.

'Even that was fun with Val...'

He swung out of bed, unsurprising alert, and folded back the sheets to et them air and get rid of the clammy fee. He stood in the darkness for a moment, the quiet soothing his turbulent head.  
He felt a mess.  
His thoughts were confused and his moods much the same.

With a frustrated sigh he wandered out into the corridor not caring if he got caught

'They need to start taking some notice' Ender thought crossly 'we're not robots...'

He headed toward the battle room, intending to practice with the double laser, at least he could give it his best tomorrow and if anyone found him he was doing something constructive, but when he got to the room they kept the weapons he found it locked.  
Turning back, his bare feet making no found on the metal floor, he diverted down to the teachers quarters, the office doors were always unlocked since none of the students were allowed down there.

Rackham's office was the fourth one down, this Ender knew having been there before, Colonel Graff's and his were the only one he was sure of. Bored and wide awake he ducked inside.

As he expected it was meticulously tidy, not a file out of place and barely a speck of dust, even his chair was carefully pushed under the desk.

'He's like a droid' Ender shook his head 'no human is this tidy...most don't tidy their desks more than once a year...' He wished he could sit down, his feet were getting cold, but he knew it would be instantly noticeable to his teachers sharp eye if the chair was moved even half a centimetre. Instead he paced over to examine to folders, moving from one foot to the other as he stood.  
He caught sight of his file immediately and carefully removed it; Rackham's handwriting was appalling, probably due to everything being done on computer, there was little use for freehand nowadays.

Flicking through it there was nothing of real interest but as he replaced it Ender noticed a small leather bound book hidden behind. Cautiously reached up and took it out.  
The pages seemed old but the cover had not a scratch on it and although he had been raised on computers and technology he knew it was a diary. Valentine used to keep one under the mattress, he knew because he had secretly read it.  
This time he hesitated, he knew how much he hated his own privacy invaded, it was bad enough around here with the cameras filming everything that went on. But this was something he couldn't resist.

The writing was chicken scrawl but Ender managed to decipher somewhat, what he read intrigued him, it was a view of Rackham that no one else had ever seen. He skipped forward to the more recent entries and stopped, his blood warming.

_I often think Wiggin does things just to annoy me. I try my best to dislike him but it is starting to get much harder, I detest these emotions, they are unnatural and inappropriate._

Ender pushed the diary back into place with shaking hands before slipping back to his room.


	5. Chapter 5 (M)

_WARNINGS: This is an M rated chapter (minor, anal, oral)_

They lost.

Ender felt furious as they exited the battle area, no one said anything to him seeing the angry glow in his deep brown eyes and the tense muscles in his face and hands.

Bean watched him from the other side of the room and knew he would be in a dreadful mood for the rest of the day. One thing Ender Wiggin hated most was losing, especially to his former army.

It has all started well with them freezing five of the others with a few seconds of beginning, maybe they were _too_ confident.

Salamander had come up with some very sneaky and clever tactics and due to having no practice the night before Dragon was caught off guard. And with the addition of two other armies coming in very quickly the battle was over and done with in no time.

Now Ender was kicking himself, he _knew_ he should have pushed himself and scheduled a training session. Who cared if he was tired? Practice came first and with good reason, now he'd screwed up. They may still be top but it was loss he didn't want.

And when he opened the computer and saw the terse note left he felt even worse.

_See Me, 6.30. M. Rackham_

"Look, I doubt it's anything dreadful" Petra sighed watching Ender pace from one end of the dormitory to the other "it can't be about todays...slip, that note would have been sent before."

"It's not just that...I've got a lot on my mind and it isn't stuff I want to talk to Bean about, I don't think he'd understand."

"I know, from what you've already told me...and I don't think you're telling _me _everything, not that that is a bad thing" she added quickly, not wanting him to feel she was prying.

Ender didn't think that and spent a while more talking to her until class started. Nor however did he feel any better.

Maybe it was stupid, in fact it was and he knew it, when six came and went he decided to forget meeting Rackham and stay in the library until an hour after.

"I thought you may be here"

Ender started and span round, Rackham stood by the door, his voice was calm but Ender knew he was not amused.

"My office, Wiggin. _Now_"

Ender has no choice and sulkily followed him, he didn't offer the excuse he had forgotten since he knew Rackham wouldn't believe it.

Despite his rank Rackham's office was fairly small with only his desk and a chair which he pulled out and sat heavily. He looked at Ender evenly, his eyes bright and impossible to read.

"You know what this is about" it was a statement not a question "you've been distracted and practically useless the last few weeks. Not only that you've either been avoiding me or following me, don't think I'm not aware you were in here last night."

"Yes, Sir" Ender kept a straight face and tried to remain as impassive as his mentor however hard his heart was pounding, he knew he would have been spotted, it would all be on the cameras and yet part of him didn't care, part of him had _wanted_ to be seen.

"Are you going to tell me why?"

"No, Sir..."

Rackham frowned

"That wasn't a request, boy"

Ender remained silent, his eyes dropping to the floor, for a time Rackham did not speak either, his gaze steady on the figure before him. The he reached out and gripped Ender's chin, forcing the boy's head up and his eyes to meet his.

"What on earth is the matter with you, Wiggin?"

"Let me go and I'll tell you...Sir"

Rackham raised an eyebrow at being given a order by a fourteen year old but complied

"Well?"

Ender hesitated for a second then as quick and light as an elf stepped forward and kissed his teachers lips, long enough to savour the scent he wore. He stepped back stiffly, his body tensed as he awaited his reaction.

None came, Rackham remained motionless but his eyes were fixed on emptiness, lost in thought. After the longest few seconds Ender had ever endured he spoke, his voice was soft and slow

"So...this is where my efforts have got me, I thought I had made you detest me"

"I think is what made me want you even more..." Ender replied just as quietly "I've felt this way for a while and, according to the others, there are things to learn...and I want to learn them from you, Sir." Ender knew what he wanted to say but as he did it sounded wrong and confused.

Rackham leant back in his chair, his gaze never leaving Ender's

"What make you think I know anything? It would be safer for you to walk away now and save your questions for others."

"Sir..."

"I mean it, Wiggin"

"_No_" Ender's voice was raised and defiant "maybe you think you can order me and I'll walk away but not this time! I won't go...and I think your reaction or lack of one means you're holding back your own feelings."

Rackham leapt to his feet and Ender closed his eyes and waited for a slap that never came, instead, when he opened them, he found Rackham had turned away and was leaning against the desk lost in thought again.

"S...sir?"

"You're fourteen, Wiggin..."

"So?" Rackham glanced round, how could a boy so bright be so ignorant? He put it down to typical teenage petulance.

"So it is illegal under most, if not all, rulings"

"We're not on earth though, those rules haven't been made yet" Rackham had no reply to that and jut willed himself to keep his composure, not sure if it was annoyance or something else that made his blood warmer and his heart quicken its pace.

"You look tense, Sir" Ender smiled strangely

"I'm always tense, now go..."

"Not yet" He stepped forward, close enough for his uniform to touch his teachers, his dark brown eyes fixed on Rackham's, an odd glint sparkling there. Slowly he knelt down and his nimble fingers flicked open the button and zip on the others pants.

Rackham stiffened, he sought to find the right words but none would come and his voice seemed to have vanished, as if he wanted it to.

Instead his breath became uneven as his student gently caressed his phallus, hardening it even more. Finally a low groan escaped as Ender began to tease with his tongue whilst stroking the shaft lightly.

"Where...the hell did you learn this, Wiggin?" Rackham finally managed to stutter, his knuckles turning white as he gripped the desk.

"Petra" Ender said pausing "caught her a few days ago, she said it was from some ancient movie her dad has. Suppose I should have said something but I'd scared her enough and I had other things to do anyway" he went back to his demonstration.

"Wiggin, stop!" Rackham raised his voice just enough to not draw attention from elsewhere. Ender sat back, it was a tone of voice he hadn't heard from his teacher before, one that was mixed with confusion and panic.

"You know I've thought everything through, Sir" Ender said as Rackham hastily buttoned his fly "I've done the same as I would in battle, my main obstacle was your response."

"I should report you to Colonel Graff and get you thrown out with your tail between your legs after trying to explain to your team why" he caught hold of Ender's collar and yanked him to his feet "but I'm not, you are unfortunately too valuable to lose...nor am I going to continue this here."

A frustrated frown appeared on Ender's forehead and after an awkward pause Rackham continued even though he had a feeling it was against his better judgement.

"We can talk more in my room; I refuse to have anyone walk in this sort of discussion"

Ender refrained from the childish urge to jump for joy and instead gave an attempt at a mock salute.

"Lead the way, Sir..."

They walked in silence; Ender keeping a few paces behind, Rackham's hands were clasped behind his back, his nails digging into his palms. He hadn't a clue why he was doing this, he could say 'no' and send him out from his office. But his mind obviously had decided differently and it was best to go along with it.

He paused for a second where the corridor split, making sure they were alone before allowing Ender to follow him into the teachers' quarters.

Once in his room he closed the door ad locked it quietly, still bemused at what he was doing. Ender looked around; the room was a similar size and small style as the dormitory but the extra space was taken up by a desk and bookcase filled with precisely arranged files and manuals. A door to the right led off to a small shower room.

He looked back at Rackham who stood with arms folded and eyes elsewhere, Ender decided to break the almost painful silence since it was apparent Rackham was not going to.

"You're still too tense...request permission to suck your cock again?"

"I've always hated that term" Rackham replied flatly "but fine, my 'cock' is all yours but that is as far as it goes."

He sat stiffly on the edge of the bed, tensing even more as Ender knelt before him

'You'll give in' Ender thought, running his tongue over the already stiffening organ, tracing tiny circles over the tip with his index finger 'you brought me here.'

Rackham swore under his breath and try as he might his body began to betray him. Ender suddenly found himself dragged up by his collar, his lips connected his Rackham's. Ender pushed his tongue to meet the others, wanting to deepen the kiss as much as he could.

With his free hand Rackham deftly traced Ender's shirt undoing the buttons, he released the collar and moved his lips to Ender's throat, gently nipping the sensitive skin.

Ender shrugged the shirt to the floor and kicked it away

"You should have more respect for you uniform, boy" Rackham noted, pausing for a second

"I don't care about that, just don't stop"

"I have no intention of stopping just yet"

He made no objection as Ender climbed onto the bed next to him

"Don't..." Ender complained as Rackham once again fastened his pants

"You've seen enough"

"I want to see all of you" Rackham made no reply "at least take the top half off?"

When he still said nothing Ender reached out and began to fiddle and undo the buttons, with lightening reflex Rackham caught hold of his hand.

"What did I just say, Wiggin?"

Ender felt his temper rise slightly

"You said nothing, Sir" he said boldly "besides, whatever you do say it is clear you want this as much as me, you're easier to read than you think but in denial of having any emotion except indifference. Me bringing them out scares you..."

Rackham's eyes glittered dangerously but he listened closely as Ender continued, moving closer as he did.

"You managed to get yourself into a  
trap, you must want something more or you would have reported me in seconds" he rested his hand on the others shoulder.

"I should have known you'd figure that out" Rackham said finally, covering Ender's hand with his own "but what I want is surely not worth the repercussions it would have on both you and me if anyone found out, more on myself."

"No one _will_ find out, I don't speak to the others that much...and I want to see if you have any other neat tattoos" Ender added with a small grin.

"I don't" but he undid his jacket anyway and although Ender expected nothing less he was still blown away by the toned and muscular upper body. Rackham moved his hand down to his crotch and gently massaged the swollen area.

Ender whimpered and gently pulled him down on him, as his probing became more intimate Ender found Rackham seemed to know his body better than himself. Each time he knew where to touch for a reaction.

He made no more objections about disrobing and soon both uniforms were in a crumpled mess on the floor.

Ender trembled as Rackham lifted his leg and fingered the entrance with a cold finger

"for once I'm not going to make you do anything you don't want to, tell me to stop and I will"

"The gel is cold, that's all" Ender said, his voice shaky "I want to feel you close, as close as you can possibly get"

"I thought you'd say that...but I don't have anything got put on the end" he pushed in another finger

"Why do you have gel then?" Ender asked then paused as Rackham raised an eyebrow "oh...got it."

"Onto your knees" Rackham commanded with a sigh, Ender obeyed willingly his heart fluttering "this will hurt."

"I don't care, I'm used to hurting"

Even so, if Rackham hadn't covered his mouth, his cry of pain would probably have caused some alarm and unwanted attention.

"Just fuck me senseless" Ender groaned gripping hold of his hand tightly "I'll forget it then"

"Watch your language, boy" With his free hand he took hold of Ender's own hardness and squeezed gently, Ender trembled and climaxed with a slight cry. Rackham increased his thrusts and with one final push finished, filling his body with warmth.

He sat back, an awkward, tight expression materialized

"I...have to take a shower" he said brusquely

"Can I join you?"

"It would hardly matter if I said no anyway" Rackham retorted, grabbing a towel from the closet.

As the warm water fell Ender wrapped his arms round Rackham's waist, leaning lightly against him

"We can't allow this to happen again, Wiggin" Rackham said quietly

"Because of your other bed mate?" Ender answered pettily "who is it anyway?"

"I don't have to tell you everything"

"You don't tell me _anything_!" Ender thought he heard Rackham chuckle

"No, it's not that, what has happened was highly inappropriate..." His voice trailed away

"It's not anyone in my army or Salamander is it?" Ender pressed, his curiosity getting in the way of common sense.

"No! You are the first...and will be the _last_ under aged person, because" he moved Ender's arm and turned to face him "like it or not you are still a child, easy it is to forget when you are treated as a miniature adult."

"You know I won't be worn down without a fight, you yourself taught me that."

"My teaching is backfiring somewhat..." Rackham wrapped the towel round his waist and returned to the bedroom "you'd best get dressed and return to your quarters."

"Can't I stay with you tonight? I don't mean to argue but what if someone saw?"

"You've been arguing with me all night" Rackham looked at the clock; half past midnight, his gaze travelled back to Ender, for the first time in a long while he looked exhausted "fine you can stay."

Ender crawled under the covers, not minding that he seemed childlike, as Rackham lay next to him he moved closer and rested his head on his chest, soothed by his teachers heartbeat and the way he absent mindedly ran his fingers through his hair.

"I wanted you to finish in my mouth...maybe you will next time"

"I thought I had established there won't be a next time" Ender smiled to himself knowingly and drifted into sleep.

The dreams returned but this time they were darker. He was home, playing a game with his family. Peter stood up, malice in his eyes and threw the dice into the air.

They landed: 666

As Ender watched his family transformed, half demon, half bugger.

And it was Valentine who lunged at his throat...

Half awake Ender thrashed, he rolled over and clung onto his teacher and felt a warm hand gently stroke his face.

"Hush lad..." a soft New Zealand accent spoke, knowing the torment dreams could cause, then everything was dark once more.

He awoke with a start when the clock read five. Rackham was perched o the end of the bed dressing, he glanced toward him briefly.

"You need to get back" was all he said

"Is that it then?"

"What more do you want me to say?"

"I want you to admit to what I already know; that you want this again, it was obvious when I kissed you...I want to know more and I want you to teach it."

"No wonder people think you're older then you actually are"

"I won't act any different or tell anyone...they don't need to know about any 'extra' lessons" he said with a small grin.

Rackham sighed and shook his head "we'll see, boy, we'll see..."


	6. Chapter 6

_"Well?"_

_"Well what?"_

_"Did you talk to the boy?"_

_"To a degree. He didn't say much."_

_"Well persist, the time is approaching and we need his full attention, understand?"_

Rackham understood. Only too well, as long as the job was done the effect of the soldier never mattered. If they wanted something they got and then you were a problem for someone else to sort out.  
It was why he had tried not to form any attachments; people had been dismissed for just that. God knew what they'd do with him.

He had avoided Ender for a few days, when questioned he had said he wanted to see how well he performed before moving on. Colonel Graff had frowned at this, making things easier was something very uncharacteristic of Mazer Rackham.

"Fine, he's all yours anyway"

He flinched at the term Graff used

"But get him back on schedule quickly, and get his head sorted."

So it was later that day he forwarded a note informing Ender that his training resumed the following morning at ten sharp. Under no circumstances was he to be late.

"How are you doing?" Bean asked with a smile as Ender sat down with him at lunch, the food looked lumpy and unappetising but he was too hungry to care. He tried to remember the last time he had had candy or something that hadn't been processed into mush. It felt like years...maybe it had been, he'd stopped trying to make sense of the days ages ago.

"Not too bad"

"You seem better than you were, at least I don't feel like I'm walking on glass around you...maybe that's why Rackham's not seen you for few days!"

'Unlikely' Ender thought then adjusted the reply "I don't think my bad moods would faze him somehow."

"True" Bean sipped his water "well whatever is helping, keep it up! You're a lot easier to work with at the moment."

Ender smiled to himself, as much as he would like to keep it up he had a feeling he would have a job convincing Rackham to.  
Out of the corner of his eyes he saw Petra exiting, he excused himself and followed after her

"Petra, wait!"

She turned and it seemed to take her a few moments to register who he was

"Oh, hey..."

"What's the matter?"

"Nothing to do with you" she scowled and started to walk away, Ender jogged after her; she stopped with a sigh and looked at him. Her lips were set in a grim line and her eyes her fed up.

"Sorry, I'm just not in a great mood today; I've got a lot on my mind at the moment"

"I just wanted to ask you something but if you want to be alone..."

"No, it's fine, I _would_ like to be left alone but if you keep it short..." Petra tailed off for a second "just ask" she said shaking her head.

"Let's just say I followed your advice and told the person...in a way, I was interesting and now I have a feeling they are avoiding me."

"Sounds normal, I think I would until I'd sorted out in my own mind how I felt and how to respond" she smiled half heartedly "deal with it, things normally work out...they did with my parents!"

Ender nodded, his eyes filled with concern, not just for her but for the effect it could have...although when pitched against her it could be an advantage.  
But thinking as a friend it was never pleasant knowing she was depressed.

"Thanks...and if you want..."

"If you're worried just ask him" Petra interrupted, her tone dismissive "can't do any harm..." With that she walked away.

'Easier said than done' Ender thought 'he's impossible to get hold of...'

Ender's chance came after the last class of the day, his first since it was the only one he was expected to attend.  
By chance Rackham had been stopped by Colonel Graff and both were talking in low tones in the corridor.  
Ender paused for a minute, trying to see if he could catch what they were saying but they kept their voices too quiet.

Upon hearing his approach Graff glanced round, muttered something else and moved away, giving no acknowledgement towards Ender as he walked past.

"Sir?"

Rackham had started away himself but turned at the request

"What is it, Wiggin?"

"Can I talk with you?"

"As long as it _is_ a talk and not some illegitimate excuse to get me on my own" Ender tried not to smile and coughed instead.

"It is..."

Rackham nodded and led him back to his office; he pushed Ender in ahead of him and closed the door quietly.

"Sir..."

Rackham held up a hand

"Don't say anything..." He leant against his desk; regarding Ender coolly "I have a good idea of what you want to say and I don't want to hear it."

Ender met his gaze; he didn't like what he read and knew he would hate what he was going to say even more.

"You know full well what happened was completely inappropriate and I am determined it will never happen again. Whatever your..._our_ reasons there is no excuse for disregarding rules, I have ever tolerated misconduct and I don't intend to start now...especially if my own in slipping."

Ender fumed, a heated flush tarnishing his cheeks, he clenched his fists behind his back and although he remained silent his frustration was clear.

"If you do try to instigate anything again I have no choice but to report you"

"Wait a..."

"Quiet! I know full well I gave in but I could easily forget to mention that and I am more likely to be believed than you, and I'm also old enough to supposedly know better...now go."

He turned away, not wanting to see any reaction. He didn't actually miss much, Ender's eyes narrowed dangerously before he stormed over to the door.

"Bastard!" He spat and slammed it hard behind him.

Rackham stood motionless for a few minutes before sitting shakily and burying his head in his hands.

Furiously Ender stormed back to his quarters and threw himself onto the bed, had there been a battle that evening he would have destroyed the enemy single handed.  
Instead his already limp pillow took the brunt of his anger before he covered his head with it. From beneath the thin material he heard a click that he was very familiar with but one he hadn't heard for some time.

'Lock me in all you want' he thought, peering from under the corner 'see if I care! I'd rather be here than out with the others anyway!'

Would you? A voice deep within him questioned, were you ever alone at home when you were unhappy?

'No...' Ender closed his eyes 'I always had support, I always had Valentine or at least one of my parents...'

And that's why you're angry! The voice continued chidingly. You aren't here because you really want to be and you know they don't want you to have anyone. You work it out yourself...and now you're facing something you struggle to solve when everything used to come so easy!

'I'm not struggling with anything...' Ender thought with a scowl 'things may be messed up at the moment but I'm not!'

He fell into a sleep brought on by frustrated emotions, his mind still in a fog of mixed thoughts and moods.  
It was a dark dreamless sleep, but not one that cured tiredness.

Rackham remained where he was for some time, he felt as if a new Formic War had started within him.  
He hadn't been this stressed for some time and part of him wished Colonel Graff still drank on the job, he could've finished a bottle of Vodka.  
Not that getting drunk ever helped, not when it came to the next day anyway.

Being in denial of his feeling had become natural now and when they did try and make an appearance they hit hard.  
He got up, sitting around wasn't doing anything except leading him to dwell on things.

It was the danger of working with the young, sooner or later they ask more than you can give...


End file.
